Towards a Taxonomy of Tourists

Walking around, I often try to classify my fellow tourists. I group them then label those groups and try to establish a taxonomy. Most of these groupings cross national lines and try to express part of the human experience, even if my label from them draws on generalizations about people of certain geographic origins.

The Enlightened Youth

Success Condition: finding themselves, or at least telling their friends back home that they did.

Easily identified as by their clothing, female Enlightend Youth may commonly be seen wearing brightly colored summer dresses with a little hippy flair on warm days and pea coats on cold days while the males often affect fedoras, scarves or a ratty sports coat in any weather. They may also be seen carrying a notebook in which they plan to write a novel or collection of poetry. Determined to experience the “real” (insert destination), specimens of this genus make a point of walking at least three blocks away from any major attraction before purchasing food. They abhor lines as a sign of the commercialization of art and culture and as a result, they are more likely to have seen the building in which treasures of human achievement are stored rather than the artifacts themselves. When they return home from their “mind blowing” three weeks of “backpacking,” they will be able to definitively state that Michelangelo is overrated, but Coravaggio was a true master.

The Photographer

Success Condition: kick-butt slideshows.

Not to be confused with contortionists, this genus can often be identified by the strange positions they assume in search of the perfect angle and perfect framing of their subject. Their initial success with the auto setting on their point and shoot will encourage them to upgrade to a professional-level camera with a much more advanced auto setting. Even when traveling with a group, they are often seen alone because of the time it takes to “get the shot.” They consider museums which ban photography a waste of time. Upon arriving home, they will find it difficult to create photographs of mundane subjects that match the beauty of the images they captured of the great art and architecture of history, and will eventually stop researching MFA programs in photography.

The Academic

Success Condition: confirming what they already know.

Armed only with a guidebook and advanced coursework in a usually unrelated field, this genus is best known for the phrase, “Well actually …” They feel confident correcting tour guides, and may offer to lead tours for companions or anyone else who asks a question within earshot. Some researchers suggest that, rather than distinct species, the Academics are the mature stage of the life cycle of the Enlightened Youth. They exhibit many of the same tendencies as the Enlightened Youth, albeit with more money and more luggage. In addition, the females often wear large, chunky necklaces and earrings handmade by a fashionable ethnic minority, while the males still dress much like the Enlightened Youth, but with less hair.

The Midwesterner*

Success Condition: surviving.

Often choosing to visit a destination because they heard such good things about it from Lou and Barb, they will not understand what their friends saw in the place until they arrive home and can in turn tell all their friends how much they enjoyed their vacation, that it was worth every penny, but you can’t trust the locals. Generally not in prime physical condition, the Midwesterners gravitate toward seated activities such as bus rides, waiting, and holding bags for others while they “go enjoy yourself” at the top of anything that doesn’t have an elevator. They are guided by two conflicting traits: overwhelming friendliness and suspicion. They form instant friendships with any travelers they meet from their region or country and share an incredible esprit de corps with these new-found allies. They can’t understand why the locals can’t just learn (insert language) or a little customer service, and usually double check any information given to them by a local with other tourists, just in case. They are often in the company of an apologetic-looking Enlightened Youth or a Party Animal who looks bored,

The name comes from the fact they tend to be middle aged or older and from a Western country, not the region of America of the same name.

The Party Animal

Success Condition: exotic hookups, memory loss and/or Amsterdam.

Rarely seen at tourist attractions before noon unless accompanied by an Academic or Midwesterner who has funded their trip, the Party Animal has ventured from their homeland primarily in search of exotic brews and members of their same genus of the opposite sex. They are often under the misapprehension that “what happens in (destination), stays in (destination),” They tend to run in packs with others of this same genus who they may or may not have met 48 hours before. Much like fish who change gender in an otherwise same-sex habitat, in the absence of other types of tourists, one Party Animal per group will become “the responsible one” whose job is to arrange for accommodations, transportation, and nag his or her pack into visiting sites of interest.

The Coachmen

Success Condition: checking off sites on their to-do list.

Easily identified by the umbrella, flag or other distinctive object held aloft by the herd leader, this genus believes tourism is best when it is a precise and synchronized game. They have the advantage of being able to form long-term attachements while on vacation, because most everyone they speak with is from their own country and speaks their language. Their basic fear is that they will be left behind either literally or figuratively by not learning as much or enjoying as much as the other herd members. To assuage this fear, they tend to buy the same souvenirs and take the same photos as everyone else.

I think it’s safe to say that on this trip so far, I’ve exhibited traits of pretty much all these groupings.